True Blood Review: 'Whatever I Am, You Made Me' - Promiscuity At Its Finest

HBO

This week, True Blood decided to go with the throw it at the wall and see what sticks approach.  Obviously, they were throwing the stickiest ideas ever.  If you like rambling storytelling with no real point or purpose, then this episode was for you.  Oh yeah, and if you like seeing hot Authority Vampire (or Salome if you prefer) have sex three times in the span of twenty minutes, then this was the show for you.

We start the second episode the same way we started the first: with Tara.  Of all the elements of the show that I find absurd, Tara ranks number one.  For those concerned, the fact that things like vampires and werewolves actually exist ranks at 45. Anyway, having gotten over her initial psychotic behavior, Tara is now tripping balls in the forest.  Not to worry, because Sookie and Lafayette are chasing her.  While watching, I couldn’t help but think about how much sense it made to chase something that is mentally unstable and has super speed.

To help with the Tara search, Sookie visits the turbo texting Pam.  Sookie begs her to summon her progeny Tara while Pam tweets about how lame Sookie is (#magicalsnatch).  A rousing argument turns into a shoving match featuring Pam’s vampire strength and Sookie’s use of magical snatch the force fairy powers.  Meanwhile Tara is at Merlotte’s pounding True Bloods while doing some really horrible acting.  After she goes to the ground in the meat locker, Sookie bumps into Sam who lies to Sookie about seeing Tara.  Despite trying to use Sookie’s breasts to distract him from the thoughts he doesn’t want to have, Sam reveals to Sookie that he is keeping Tara in the icebox.  Sam focused on the wrong body part.  The only thing capable of blocking out the power of Sookie’s telepathy is her own magical snatch.  Once out of the icebox, Tara continues her “You turned me into a monster” bit and storms off to find the nearest tanning salon.

We got more insight into the Pam and Eric relationship.  Apparently, Eric wanted nothing to do with “making” her, so Pam went for the suicide move to convince Eric to save her.  Even though doubling down a ten against a face card is dangerous, Pam’s gamble is rewarded as Eric gives her eternal life and discusses the eternal commitment that comes with it.  It’s for this reason that it will make perfect sense when Pam leaves her speed accounting to go rescue her new progeny from death in a tanning bed.  Let her die, Pam.  Let her die.

Eric and Bill are still chilling at the Vampire Authority.  If we stay here much longer, it could become the Herschel’s Farm of True Blood (not a compliment).  After a great deal of rabbling by the members of council, Officer Stabler Roman dismisses them and gives our boys a nice speech about living together in peace and harmony with humans.  Once he sends our boys on their way, he brings in everybody’s non-favorite Steve Newlin to talk about becoming the new Nan Flanagan.  Newlin gives Roman a speech about the stupidity of humans which Roman finds offensive.  Newlin looks at Roman like he wants to make him the new Jason Stackhouse.  Roman decides to out-weird him by picking him up by his face and rubbing it while threatening his life.

 

Downstairs, Eric and Bill are fitted with a harness that will kill them at a moment’s notice.  After putting on their new Vampire Authority uniforms (sponsored by Under Armour), Bill visits hot Authority vampire/Salome in a double secret boiler room.  After discussing the importance of trust, they decide that they should have sex to cement their trust.  Once she gets out of the shower, Salome decides to summon Eric to her room.  Apparently, she wants to order the Sookie Stackhouse off the menu.  Pam knows that kind of action will cost you extra.  She’s in such a rush to share what she learned from the two of them, she doesn’t even bother to put on clothes before talking to Roman.  After some discussion on Middle Eastern politics, our little vampire vixen decides that she’s good for one more round with Roman.  Some sluts gals have all the luck.

This week on a very disturbing edition of Jason Stackhouse’s Sexual Escapades, Jason ran into a former teacher.  As you might imagine, they had sex when Jason was a student of hers.  After helping him decide what pickles he should buy at the grocery store (Euphemism!), the teacher takes Jason back to her place.

Despite some early protestations to sleeping with Jason again, the teacher quickly gives in because he’s Jason M***** F****** Stackhouse.  Then, something horrible happens: Jason realizes that he has been using sex to fill the hole in his life, and his teacher is patient zero.  He turns on sex so quickly that he won’t even sleep with Jessica when she turns up to get it on.  I’m learning to deal with the stupidity, but the show can’t ruin Jason Stackhouse for me.  I guess it’s probably fine.  I’m sure Jason exploring the depths of his soul is probably better for the show.

As if that didn’t seem like enough, all of this other stuff happened too:

*Terry threw up the deuces on Arlene, but couldn’t tell her where he was going, what he was going to do, or how long it would take him.  Why Arlene didn’t understand is beyond me.

*Debbie’s parents came looking for their daughter.  Sookie neglected to mention that her brain is scattered over large parts of Bon Temps.

*Sookie confessed to Alcide about killing Debbie.

*Nora confessed to being a vampire fundamentalist to the Authority in an attempt to protect Eric and Bill.

*Jessica tried on several dresses that I wouldn’t complain if I saw her in again.

*Hoyt showed up at Fangtasia wearing too much eyeliner and looking to get chomped on by a vampire.

*Sheriff Bellfleur’s naked body turned up on Facebook.  Kudos to True Blood for springing for the rights to use Facebook.

*Lafayette turned into a demon that ruins gumbo.  Hopefully it won’t affect his world-renowned biscuits.

It was a stammering, completely purposeless episode that used sex to try to cover up the lack of forward-moving plot.  I’m sure fans of the show loved it.