Game of Thrones Review: 'Valar Morghulis' I Don't Wanna Live in Westeros

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After watching last week’s epic episode, this week’s is destined to be a bit of a come down.  Benioff and Weiss have to set the table for next season and check in with Robb, Dany, Jon and Arya.  Game of Thrones still gave us an entertaining hour plus, but it was more like listening to a lecture.  I scribbled notes furiously like I was back in one of my history classes (shoutout to you, Dr. Ehlers).  There was a lot to cover, but one of the overarching themes of the season still shone through.

Throughout this season, we watched various people try on roles that they weren’t entirely prepared to take on.  Some of them excelled, some of them floundered horribly.  While the degree of success differed, all of them strongly embrace their new roles and struggled mightily to hold on to their newfound power.  The most sympathetic of these fish-out-of-water stories is that of Tyrion Lannister.  We pick up his story with a fresh scar on his face and a downgraded role.  The decision for most would be easy: Take your good looking prostitute and go somewhere where you can live out your days with plenty of sunshine, Dornish wine, and a ticket away from the hell of life in Westeros.  However, Tyrion can’t turn away from the life.  It doesn’t matter that his sister tried to have him killed or that he is no longer Hand of the King.  He loves outsmarting people and playing the game.  He’s still good at it, but who’s going to let him play?  If George RRRRRRR Martin wasn’t such a heartless dude, I would look forward to Tyrion’s return to glory.  However, I’ve seen enough to know that it’s just as likely that Tyrion gets killed for his trouble. 

Robb and his mother have both embraced their new roles.  Robb has stepped up to his new role as the King of the North, but he still has some growing up to do.  Love is nice and all, but it’s never good for a king to go back on his word.  What’s Cat Stark’s new role, you ask?  She’s the worst.  She’s not a sadistic person like Joffrey, but she definitely makes life harder for everyone she encounters.  Poor Brienne has to kill everyone that comes near her because Cat decided to give her Jamie Lannister for a travelling partner.  Brienne is exactly the kind of person needed by the chess masters in Westeros.  She will serve her purpose, but she will never live long enough to enjoy the fruits of her labor.  There is always more labor for people like her.  Meanwhile, Cat sits in her tent and enjoys the fruit.  Man, she’s the worst.

Robb’s sister Arya continued her walking tour of Westeros with pals Gendry and Token Fat Kid from a Kid’s Movie.  Fortunately for all involved, we got to see some more good stuff from Jaqen.  Jaqen is a guy that has taken this new role idea to the next level.  After handing Arya a way to summon him when needed, Jaqen uses Arya’s light chanting to literally turn into someone else.  I know Jaqen’s a killer, but I assumed that identity theft was beneath him.  Jaqen, I wish you all the success in your travels.  I hope that you will return to us some day.*

*(Note: This would a good point to mention that you book people better keep your mouths shut.)

Poor Stannis tried his own hand at a different role: The conquering hero of Kings Landing and champion of the Lord of Light.  Apparently, the fire didn’t predict exactly when that would happen.  After some light, non-sexual choking (always need to clarify that on Game of Thrones), Stannis looks back into the fire at Melisandre’s request.  His eyes would seem to indicate that he does see what Melisandre sees.  With Dany’s dragons still a little while from making her a consistent threat, Stannis is the only guy with a chance to make Joffrey sweat a little bit.  Still, I can’t say that I really care. 

Speaking of Dany, she reclaimed her dragons in pretty impressive fashion from Dean Pelton That Warlock Guy in Qarth.  You have to give Dany a ton of credit.  She is one confident woman.  She’s the one truly confident person in this world that has the goods to back up their smack.  Joffrey doesn’t have the nards, Stannis doesn’t have the guns, and Robb doesn’t have the experience.  Dany has belief and power.  Oh yeah, and dragons too.  It seems that her dragons’ development may go a little faster than I originally anticipated.  Dragons or not, Dany is finally mentally prepared to conquer Westeros.  After 19 episodes of seeking outside help in her quest to rule, she has realized that ultimately, she has to rely on herself.  The ice cold way she disposes of Ducksauce shows us that she has grown up and is ready to do what is necessary to sit on the Iron Throne… and I don’t mean the replica one sitting in the House of the Undying ($385 on EBay).

Nothing better encapsulates what it means to be successful in Westeros than the scene in the Iron Throne room where Tywin accepts his place as Hand of the King.  Sure, all is well.  Stannis is defeated, and the city is saved, but it’s tough to ignore Tywin’s horse taking a crap before entering the throne room to accept the prize for his troubles.  The horse knows the deal.  Sansa Stark should have asked the horse what to do last week.  Now, she’s no longer engaged to Joffrey, but seems betrothed to be his whipping girl.  She could be out on a road trip with the Hound right now.  Seriously, why do people stay in Westeros? 

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Meanwhile, Anne Boelyn, Margery Tyrell has decided that she would like to try her hand at trying to tame the ever-sadistic Joffrey.  We’ll see how effective her number one weapon is.  I’ve got a hundy on “not very” going off at -225.

Finally, it’s funny that all of these machinations, underhanded deals, and epic battles are going to be rendered meaningless by two divergent events:  On one hand, you have a young girl with three fire-breathing beasts that have progressed past the flambé stage.  On the other hand, you have horse-riding ice monsters that have a massive zombie army.  If you’re lucky, you’re fat and helpless like Sam.  Maybe someone will have mercy on you.  In Westeros, the only people that live long lives are those that benefit from the mercy of others. 

To be continued.